Life Before Pregnancy, During & The Aftermath.

How it was, how it changed & how it feels.

Pregnancy. It's something I honestly wanted at an early age, but never knew it would come as early as it did. This is how my life changed.

It's unexpected, no matter if you're trying or not; no one is ever as prepared or ready as they want to be. But in the end, there's no regrets. Not a single one (for me atleast).

Before I got pregnant I was 17 years old & I had been living on my own for nearly two years. I dropped out freshman year to support myself. I was working full time as a sushi chef & attended school whenever possible.

Like a lot of teenagers. I partied; but I went through that faze early on. Early on as in, I was 13. So by the time I was 17 drinking didn't really matter much to me anymore. I had dabbled my fingers around & experimented with drugs. I was just trying to figure out where my life was going & who the hell I was.

You see, for some teen mothers this is their story beforehand; but for me there's a bit of a twist. From the age of 16, I was convinced I was a lesbian. I had a girlfriend; & it was quite serious.

Beforehand, I had been in many unhealthy relationships. When I found myself sexually & emotionally attracted to this female, I thought I had maybe been lying to myself & the reason why all my past relationships were failed is because guys weren't for me; I was wrong. I did not know this until a year & a half later. I truly believed it.

There was a handful of reasons why the relationship failed. I wanted to move in together, have a family, etc. But she didn't. My problems weren't taken seriously & near the last 6 months it just felt like a super close friendship. Might I add, I self medicated with marijuana due to my mental disorders; at this point I had for 6 years. She didn't understand the concept, really.

Anyways, summer of 2015 I moved into a house with 6 other roommates & I was invited to live there by, guess who? Kyven. I was quite fond of Kyven in highschool but never really thought I ever had the chance to be with him. Within a month of living there I started to find myself attracted to him & wow, it confused the hell out of me.

I thought maybe it was because my relationship wasn't going to well; up untill this point I truly thought I had figured out my sexuality, but I hadn't.

I honestly tried to ignore it; but it was hard. Kyven became a really close friend to me. We always 'smoked up' together, played video games, spoke about everything (he seemed to always know when something was wrong with me & it felt like an eternity since someone genuinely cared about how I really felt). It got harder, I got more confused, upset and lost.

I had lots of friends, we always hung out & it was great; but that all changed very quickly.

Around the beginning of October 2015, after certain events occurred I just knew it wasn't going to work out between the girl & I. I had so desperately tried to make it work out for months; but it seemed I was just lying to myself at the end. I truly did genuinely care for her. I felt terrible, I don't know which felt worse. The fact that I thought this was the truth the whole time & it wasn't; or the fact that I knew it would break her heart.

Afterwards I felt like I had the weight of the world off my shoulders; but I also ended up feeling so guilty within the next few weeks for following my heart due to the reactions around me.

Kyven & I ended up getting closer & closer quite quickly, we kept it on the downlow due to me just getting out of a relationship (which to me felt like it already ended months ago). On November 15th of 2015 we finally made it official & little did we know that's the week Knox was conceived (we'll save that story for another post).

I still had quite a few friends at this point & I was really happy. Happier than I had been in a long time. Care free, with someone who genuinely cared about my emotions & we were so much alike. I loved it. Still do.

This is where the journey started. Mid december, we found out we were expecting Knox. & to be completely honest, we had no clue what to do. When I was younger, I always thought if I ended up pregnant at the 'wrong' time I would abort. But after it became a reality; everything changed.

I was in a new relationship, I was constantly financially troubled, I just had found out I wasn't who I thought I was; not to long ago. I was stumped. & in the end, I realized the only reasons I was considering abortion was because of other people's reactions & that was not the right reason. I realized it was time to face my problems head on.

Like I said I'll save that story for another post. So, I kept my pregnancy on the downlow. But, co-workers started to figure it out. I developed all day sickness, the smell of sushi started to gross me out & I stopped smoking. I had to start missing work, & I didn't want to put my job in jeopardy.

I ended up telling my head & sous chefs. At this point in time I was around 6 weeks I believe. They agreed to keep it hush hush. BUT, someone overheard, and told my ex. I did not want her to find out that way at all, I felt so bad. To be honest, she freaked out (well, I don't blame her).

This is when people really started talking. My friends said I cheated, that I didn't care, that I was stupid & OH, I can't forget my favorite 'a baby having a baby'. god, I hate that saying with a passion.

After that was over with, my father tried to convince me to abort, my mother was not in the picture yet. I ended up really not giving a flying fuck what anyone was telling me. It's my baby, my life, my decision that had already been made & I knew I was making the right one.

I ended up being pretty miserable the first trimester. Implantation cramps, All day sickness for 15 weeks, food aversions, bloat. Mentally of course I was scared, but I was also so, so excited. All I ever wanted was a baby & it was with someone I knew was right from the beginning; that was even better.

Once we announced when I was 9 weeks, tons of friends said they they would be there for us, couldn't wait to meet him, etc. It was a great feeling; I felt like I had more friends than before. Although, I really missed my friends that left.

The second trimester was wonderful; when people say it's the best point in pregnancy, they definitely mean it. For me, pregnancy was a mix of the 'glow' & the acne. Feeling beautiful & feeling like a whale. It was a mix of everything; If I'm going to be honest here.

The third trimester, definitely the hardest. I had false labour too many times, braxton hicks from hell, the cravings got even crazier. Pregnancy insomnia, so much more acne, swollen feet & legs, getting up from anything seemed like the biggest task; but every time I felt Knox move (which was every 5 minutes at most, he was crazy active) it made it all worth while.

Pregnancy really changed me. I stopped smoking herb & cigarettes, I made sure I was always hydrated, avoided anything bad during pregnancy (I didn't drink coffee for 9 months for the exception of 2 cups) & ate as healthy as I could besides my crazy cravings. I found new friends that were super supportive. My life did a whole 360. Little did I know after Knox was born, the same thing would happen again.

When Knox was born, I thought I'd have tons of friends coming to see us. But as every mother knows; that's not how it works. People get busy, & being a mum you're not as flexible anymore, you're going by your baby's schedule; not yours. You're always getting two people ready, packing diaper bags; then there's appointments, etc.

& People who aren't mums, don't understand. They think you can get up & go anywhere at anytime. A Lot of people you'd expect to see, you don't see at all. & if you're reading this & expecting, don't get bummed out. It can be disappointing yes, but having your little with you; it doesn't really matter. They are with you, learning, growing & bonding with you.

& that's what matters most. No, my pregnancy journey wasn't all sunshine & rainbows; but I would most definitely do it all again. Because the outcome is immaculate. It makes you forget all the pain & stress you bared. Pregnancy is just the start & it really does prepare you for the journey motherhood.

Life knew what I needed before I did. For me, having Knox has made it easier to find myself; to have motivation. Because it's not just about me anymore; it's about us. & I would do anything for him. I love motherhood, through all the blood sweat & tears. It's the most work, but the most rewarding.